i'm burning here
wound up, anxious, weepy, skin crawling
i'm not going anywhere
i'm standing right here,
on the edge
the pyre of fire


disrobing, shedding, exposing
b a r e
what else can i rip off? rip open?
i want full exposure
wiggle, s t r e t c h, moan
every nook and cranny to this heat, fire, light
burn baby burn
an impulse: to scream, run, hide, take cover
but there's no turning back


the burn has begun, stop now and i'll be
an ugly deformed wretch, raw, oozing
no no, blackened is the aim
scorch the fields,
and in weeks or months to come
the grounds blackened
c h a r n e l
will have been nourished by the old remnants
recycled into new life, potentialities
r e b i r t h


i'm letting go
releasing, really really good
in order to play great
!MAHA!
cleaning heart like cleaning house
and i'm burning


i've practiced
staying engaged
and letting go
but this,
this is a new level
releasing the certainty of good, really good
for the uncertainty of great
the audacity of !great!


this is big biG bIG BIG
competing conflicts
maternally "hold on"
paternally "take it"
fear fear fear
breaking long lineages
too much breast, not enough balls
fear fear fear
i'm suffocating, cant breathe
a n x i e t y


p e l e, baby... take it from here
i'm yours
on the pyre
passionately partnered
offerer ~ offered to
ignore my squirms, screams, self
i~  w a n t ~ this
every last bit of it
immaculate burning
p e l e
please







=========================
home in the ashes
;-)
~s

i'm here.  i love you. 

<<<<<HUG>>>>>

:whats up darling?:


presence.


...

is there anything i can do to help?


...

presence.


:you'll get through this.  you'll be ok. :

<<<<<HUG>>>>>

i'm here.  i love you.

who would i be
if i did not hide

what would i do
if i did not doubt

how would i act
if i did not hesitate

who would i love
if i did not judge

what would i see
if i did not turn away

what would i say
if this minute was the last

what change would i make
if the cost was my life

how would i sleep
if i felt the world

....

ooo delish.... toes to tips, humming strumming...
loooong kundalini strings resounding: mmm, ohhh, ommm, ahhh, eee,
no where else i want to be
here now
all of me
with all of thee
we
pulsing playing
d i v i n i t y

"stace whatcha doing?"

====>  whatever i want to!!!  :-)




i am in a state sans kids!  and it is beautifully blissfull.... capital B-L-I-S-S-F-U-L-L  !!
(yes, i mean full... as in over- freely -flowing)
oh my! hallefrigginlujah!

i love them, i do, i do!  and i miss them, a little.

and...
i can breathe, whew! 
i can re-collect myself....

my awareness, all of it, is just *right here*...
with me, now, and only.

i don't have to be attuned to the state of silence or noise.... if its too quiet, they are up to something.  scanning, what are those noises? is that healthy play?  is there trouble?  is it a dynamic, escalating?  will i need to intervene soon to guide them through communication, understanding and cooperation?  is that a sound of danger?

i don't have to be prepared that one of my daughters could wake in the middle of the night with a frightful dream... and settle her back down again. 

my activities can be as LOUD as i want.  i can LEAVE the house spur of the moment, any time of night, for whatever strikes my whim.  i can take a midnight walk under the stars hearing all the wild noises of life after dark... ha! i can!

simply, my attention, awareness, mindfulness isn't dispersed.... it doesn't have to go in the direction of my two dearest most precious beings and keeping them in good care.... which is an honor, my privilege, and taxing.  

its *right here* for me, solamente. 
and its this moment, that i realize intimately how much i have, to offer and to give....
because dispersion has been replaced with  intensity

focused, flowing...
shazam!
::: molten mama turns volcanic vixen with lava loving :::

so what am i about to do?  i don't know, it doesn't matter.... i just can.

;=D

im being haunted
haunted by you
drawn
drawn like the moth to the flame
compelled hooked ensnared

it doesnt feel good
this force within
nonresponsive to my control

its an illusion
a trick, afterall
you're a stranger
a source of torment
theres no reason for this pull

what is it that im wanting
what am i pretending to see
in you
that i need to see in me?

is it because you are unknown
easy to create
a deep desire to investigate
who are you?  what are you like?
weaving a web of story

why am i obsessing, wanting more,
to dig, excavate, explore

starving, craving, hunger not ignored
demanding, looming
this won't be denied

what is this?
this beast in me?  what do you want?
how can i help you? 
because i want you
i want you gone!

....






(to be continued...)
photo by  ken refsgaard

ahhhh
relax
breathe in, breathe out
blink open, blink closed
sitting in my bath

long-legged
ankles crossed
hands in prayer
resting floating
unwinding
releasing

i blink my eyes
closed
my wings grow
ivory luminescent
stronger, fuller
expanding
feeling their power
to lift and carry me
the impossible is possible
invincible
compassion & wisdom
flutters, swoooosh
steady, deep empowered waves
aloft
heart has risen emboldened
without question
crystal clarity adorning my power


"boo"

eyes blink open
startled
im in my bath
smiling down at me
my daughter
swirling her hands in the bubbles

i gesture a "shoo"
and off she trots
quiet returns

i blink my eyes
closed
my legs transform
a mermaid tail
of peacock coloring
long
a unified whole
hips to tips

flowing full flexible
body sensing bare
naked vibrancy within the waters

translucent sparkles
of sun touching drops
swimming gliding diving
a new world inviting

courage curiosity communion
strands of strength
nestled within
a treasure,
once abandoned
now reclaimed
embedded in my beings bosom


"mommm-MY"


eyes blink open
sense scan audit
surroundings ok

"mommy, sister is pesting me"
enters from the other room
punctuating the silence
of my sanctuary

"ill be right there"
i sing above the hum

blink, blink
eyes open, eyes close

thinly veiled in/betweens
waking dreaming
dreaming waking

tenuous separation of these worlds
blink, blink
neighbors behind/ before a shade
a shade of enlightened dark
a shade of darkened light

blink / blink

You are the best no matter how old

I love you more than anything

combined I love you so much, sooooooooo much!


+

You are so pretty,
You are so kind,
You are so sweet,
so nice,
so lovable too!


(from:  a child to a mother .... a 9/7/9 Haiku + postscript )

....

and what did you do
you felt backed in a corner
again shouting
"you are so selfish"
over and over,
the mantra of my childhood

crushing mantra, booming in my ears
you had no idea what you were asking of me
the integrity of love that i felt
and would have to offer
would want to offer

....

i love you
i need you
i want you
why weren't we enough?

....

its not my fault
i was full of love for you
your wound blocked its acceptance
rejected love
you passed it on... your wound

i fought.  this won't take me out.
over and over....
my sanctuary, my resurrection
time and time again
from the edge
was the arms wide open
head to the heavens
feel the Love
not the nails in the body
its for the best of the whole
wider, open open open
embrace it all
embody
embody
embody
LOVE

offer it

unconditionally

the pain will stop.

it did.
a practice became habit
wider, deeper, endless

it worked.
with a cost, a high cost
i sacrificed my self
each time
laid out on that cross
enveloped in that expanse
embracing the greater Love

i knew all about you
your needs, hurts, wants, quirks
but mine
disappeared
in the clouds above
my head as i turned to the heavens
offering it all
for the benefit of us
as a family

....

WE LOVED YOU!

i love you
i understand
you did your best
my suffering has turned
into  grace
thankfully

now i reclaim that self
the clouds are still above
and of water
she is raining on me
returning to her home
becoming to know her
each drop
each world

i welcome me home